when you’re born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire

The rage of an angry man lives inside of me now.

I was not suprised to wake up to their raising voices. Our house is always burning in fire; flames are scattered in every corner of our house where I still search for tenderness but all I find is deep rage.

When I was a child, I put my trembling hands on my sore ears. But I now learned how to be familiar with it. I never learned how to be gentle because I grew up with an angry man.

I get too loud with I am angry.. that is when I realized that I am my father.

“Father, why are you angry?” I wanted to ask him but I am afraid to feel my father’s temper.

“Mother, why are you silent?” But I’m afraid to see my mother’s burning tears of anger.

Would I able to experience a morning with gentle sounds and warm air? I put down that dream a long time ago. Anger is the only emotion that makes me feel validated. When I am sad, I am angry. It’s the only emotion that can protect me from my weaknesses.

“You have so much anger inside of you.”

When I found myself yelling when I am not angry, I broke down into tears. Have I become my father? It’s feel like I am being haunted by my father’s anger. I cannot control the rage that are breaking my sore bones.

I still cry when they are angry but I bleed when I am angry.

I am sorry; forgive me for carrying my father’s sins and the shadow of my mother. I’m still a child who’s trying to figure out why my parents are angry.