our eyes speaks for the words our mouth can’t utter

Communicating something about our inside feelings feels like the hardest thing that we could do for ourselves.

The quietest ones about their feelings have the loudest scream and many words to say. The loudest and painful screams that no one heard as we kept them in silence.

We grew up to be silent and learned to sit with silence. We are full of jars having our bottled-up emotions that we still carry each day.

When people see you as someone who doesn’t use their words that much, they always think that it’s okay for them to hurt us and not to be careful with our feelings, because we don’t have any voice to speak.

In a household that childrens were taught to be quiet and adequate, our voice felt like a fragmented glass that couldn’t be used. If you speak up, you’re a rebellious child. You can’t disobey your parents means your voice are useless for them. No matter how you weep, they won’t hear the pain behind your cries.

We carried that baggage as we go through some phases in our lives. We only speak a little when talking about our emotions and hurting wounds, but every unsaid feelings felt like a rope tying on our hearts, as if anytime it is ready to explode.

As I try to unfold all of my untold words, something is trying to stop me from utterring.

Silence is my comfort as speaking is way too much for me. Uttering the words, “I’m not okay.” feels like I am betraying my own as if I have shown a very significant piece of my heart that should be stay hidden.

But is it a normal thing? That when we’re not okay, we should express it. But to us, who got invalidated in a household that was supposed to teach us to use our voice, telling that we’re not okay feels so wrong.

In order for us to be seen, we have to scream loudly, not just speak.

Please, bear with me; speaking up is unfamiliar thing to me.